Millennials are a strange bunch.

On paper, we don't have much to complain about. Yes, 9/11 happened. The War on Terror. The 2008 crash. The slow death of the planet. The internet melting everyone's brains.

But honestly?

I think those things happened to everyone else, too.

So what really makes us us?

Number 1: Renting is something you do until you buy a plot of land for your trailer

Our version of the house with the white fence turned out to be a rented hellscape with a landlord called Declan who demands $3k up front because the last group of renters did something insane like treat the apartment like a home, not a showroom.

This is a strange one because it doesn't even matter if you have a high-paying job or not. Of course, it's worse when you're broke — but it's even more depressing when you're broke and the people your age who make more money than you are struggling too.

In the past, the dream was to buy a house. Then it became buying an apartment. Then it became buying a tiny house. Then a trailer. Then "maybe I can inherit a shed."

Now it's: I'm in a decent position — and by "decent" I mean my 20-year dream is to buy a small plot of land in Turkey and hope there's groundwater.

It's incredible how quickly we went from "starter home" to "I hope Asia Minor doesn't run out of water."

Number 2: You were raised to be international — and now everyone holds it against you

Before the crash, we were trained to be European in the fun way.

Cheap €20 flights. Freedom of movement. "Go experience culture." Berlin for the weekend. Barcelona for the craic. Paris, so you can take a photo of a croissant and feel superior even though everyone else was doing the same thing.

Our parents encouraged it. They loved it.

And then the crash hit, and suddenly a lot of us did what we were trained to do: we went abroad to find work.

We moved. We built lives. We married foreigners. We got used to different food. Different ways of living.

And then our families did the funniest thing imaginable:

• "When are you coming home properly?"
• "Are you only there because it's cheap?"
• "Sure, you could get a job at home if you really wanted."
• "I know you built a career and a life there, but why don't you come home to shit weather and live in the attic?"

As if we weren't raised on the gospel of Get Out There.

They wanted us to travel the way you travel in an ad: come back with a fridge magnet and a tan, not a spouse and a new accent. They wanted the story, not the consequence.

Or maybe they wanted us to come back with money.

Number 3: You're hotter than your friends — but not young

Somehow, despite the cheap bath salts of the 2010s, you look… manageable.

People are surprised by your age. They assume you're 36 and are shocked you're 37.

Younger women are attracted to you in that confusing way that makes you want to say, "No, no, I'm not hot. I'm old and am really into history for some reason, and you should run away."

You can feel yourself in the middle zone now: not young, not old — just wondering why all your male friends pee sitting down now.

Apparently, it's good for you.

Number 4: Your hobbies are just coping mechanisms

Our parents had hobbies. We have systems.

I only go for walks so I have something to do. I literally just walk around the damn park in circles for an hour, so I hit my steps.

I go to the gym to listen to anti-anxiety podcasts, so I don't get health anxiety at the gym, which I'm only going to because my health anxiety gets worse if I don't go to the gym.

I do not read; I listen to books about how to be less fucked.

I do not go out for a drink. I do, but I label it as a relapse.

And even when we relax, we can't relax normally. We relax in the millennial way — with guilt, apps, and a wearable device tracking the relaxation.

My wife got me a smartwatch for my birthday. It told me my oxygen level was 99% and that I stopped breathing for 3 seconds when I was asleep.

I fucking freaked out, went to therapy, and got my heart checked.

My therapist said it was because of all the bath salts I did in Dublin.

ChatGPT said it was just a glitch.

I told my best friend, and he signed me up to do the Rome marathon in March.

Number 5: You're permanently tired, but also constantly told you're lazy

This is the defining millennial paradox.

We grew up being told:

• work hard, and you'll be fine,
• get educated, and you'll be fine,
• be flexible, and you'll be fine,
• hustle and you'll be fine.

So we became flexible.

We became so flexible that we turned into jelly.

We moved countries, switched careers, and adapted to new platforms every six months. We "pivoted." We "rebranded." We "upskilled."

And still, we're treated like we're failing because we're not hitting the same milestones at the same ages as our parents did in an era when a man could buy a house by winking at a bank manager.

I mean, Jesus Christ.

In the last ten years, I have been a teacher, a writer, a recruitment representative, an AI recruitment representative, the person who trains AI for recruitment technology, and the person who wraps gifts at the pharmacy every Christmas.

Still, I'm saving for a plot of land in Asia Minor.

Number 6: You have a "side hustle" that is just a second job with better branding

Take me for example. I no longer have hobbies; I have stuff I want to monetize. In my desperate attempt to unlock the holy grail of passive income, I now have a TikTok where I tell people about my hobbies in the hope that I unlock monetization.

In fact, passive income is no longer seen by us as passive income, but more like social security payments. A dystopian universal basic income you have to dance for.

We also don't have any solid plans. Just stuff in the pipeline.

You tell people you're "building something" and they nod politely the way people nod when a man says he's writing a book.

I'm also writing a book about my struggle, but I keep stopping because I'm too damn self-aware of my whiteness and feel like a fraud — yet it's the struggle I endured that defines me.

Number 7: You speak fluent corporate, even though you don't know what a printer looks like

Most of us haven't set foot in an office since our work experience stints in 2004, when we were sent off at 16 to learn about the world.

I was sent to a newspaper and a radio station before I lost my mind and fled to an island in the Indian Ocean for two years because I read Alex Garland's The Beach high on bath salts.

And yet, thanks to LinkedIn, I was able to weasel my way into an AI recruitment company in Amsterdam.

I know nothing about recruitment or emails, but by God did I have the buzzwords.

I ended up quitting before I got fired.

Apparently, "Hey, we basically source workers for you. You in or you out? P.S. We have AI." is not a good follow-up email to a prospective client, even though that's basically what everything on LinkedIn is.

Number 8: Your body has a new mystery every week

There is always something.

A tight chest. A weird twitch. A mole that "looks different."

You become a part-time investigator of your own nervous system.

Just this morning on my walk, my left arm started to go numb.

I said, "What now?"

ChatGPT said, "Could be anything, bro."

"Am I dying? Yesterday I had a tickle in my bum. Think they're linked?"

ChatGPT said, "No. That was… that was something else."

"So, am I dying? Answer my question?"

"Peter. You're not dying. You are walking, you're awake, you're trying, you're planning a life with your wife, you're trying to get in shape, you're trying to build your business, your brand, your legacy, finish your book, and scrolling on your phone. You have carpal tunnel."

Number 9: You can't enjoy anything without narrating it

I don't go for walks. I leave the house to narrate my life while listening to The Lion King soundtrack.

I can't just exist like a grumpy Gen Xer. I have to create a little documentary voiceover for your own life, like:

Here we see the millennial in its natural habitat, buying a coffee it can't afford to soothe an anxiety it acquired for free. Watch how it checks its stats and makes serious facial movements so that everyone in the café assumes it is reading something important and not texting its mother, dropping heavy hints that they are in financial distress and need help right fucking now, otherwise they are fucked.

Number 10: Your friends are faux-woke and own property in Dubai

This one's personal.

A lot of friends who speak exclusively in activist language — "decolonise," "platform," "hold space," "do the work" — somehow ended up with a "little investment" in a desert city that lacks an HR department.

They'll post a black square, then fly to a place where the concept of labour rights is basically a joke.

They'll lecture you about ethics, then send you a voice note from an infinity pool.

And if you ask them how they squared it in their head, they'll say something like:

"It's complicated."

Yeah.

That's the whole point.

That's the whole millennial thing.

Overly complicated.